As a parent, you know that advocating for your child is in your job
description. So when an issue arises with the person who's molding his
or her young mind, you're going to speak up. But it's important to
choose your words carefully. "As with anyone whose service you depend
on, it's in your best interest to avoid coming off as too critical or
demanding to your child's teacher," says Suzanne Tingley, a former
teacher, principal and superintendent, and author of
How to Handle Difficult Parents.
"Expressing your concerns in a neutral way usually leads to a more
constructive conversation and a better outcome for your kid." Read on to
learn which statements, however well-meaning, can land you in the
"troublemaker" category.
Photo by Thinkstock.
"My son says you don't give him enough time to finish his tests. I'd like to hear your side of the story."
Laying out the situation and asking for the teacher's "side" may seem
like a diplomatic approach, but to the teacher it reads as an attack,
followed by a twist of the knife. "The kicker is the second part because
it suggests you are mediating between two equals, like siblings who
can't get along," says Tingley. A better tactic: "Jake seems to be
struggling with his tests. What are you seeing?" When you start from a
place of information-gathering, as opposed to putting the teacher on the
defensive, you'll likely get a fuller picture of what's going on, says
Tingley. (And you'll save yourself the embarrassment if it turns out
your son has been doodling during every test.) From there, you and the
teacher can decide on the best way to address the problem.
Related: Get the top 5 questions to ask during a parent-teacher conference.
"Henry is acting out because he's bored in class."
"As a teacher, you spend your life trying to make school interesting
and challenging," says Carolyn Bower, a former kindergarten teacher in
Bangor, ME. "When someone says class is boring, it means you haven't
done your job." The statement also may not be entirely accurate.
"Parents often say this in response to a teacher bringing up a behavior
problem, when the actual issue is a lack of self-control on the
student's part," says Tingley. So instead of starting off with an
excuse, find out what's really going on and promise to speak to your
child. If you truly believe he's not being challenged, steer clear of
hurtful generalizations and mention a specific problem and solution:
"Henry seems to have the multiplication tables down. Could we give him
something more challenging?"
"My child would never lie. If she says she handed in the paper, she handed it in."
Here, you're implying that the teacher misplaced the paper or is
bluffing-which are both places you don't want to go. As hard as it is to
hear, "kids sometimes lie when they're feeling cornered," says Tingley.
Even if that's not the case with your conscientious student,
acknowledging the mix-up and suggesting a solution is the best way to
help your cause. Try: "Amanda says she turned in the paper. I don't know
what happened to it, but I'd hate to have her take a zero. Can she hand
in something late?"
"We're going on vacation for a week. Can you put together a packet of my daughter's work so she doesn't fall behind?"
You may think you're doing the responsible thing, but unfortunately,
this typical request is a bit insulting. "You're implying you can
replace teaching with a packet of worksheets," says Jan Copithorne, a
middle school special education teacher in Highland Park, IL. On top of
that, "it's a lot of extra work to anticipate everything that will
happen in class over a week and put it together for one child." Because
kids miss so much when they're kept out of school, Copithorne advises
against pulling them out for an extended period, unless there's a truly
important event or a family emergency. If you're set on your plans, ask
the teacher for a general overview, like what chapters will be covered
in each subject, and accept that your child will need to play catch-up
when you get home.
"I know my son doesn't want to take your honors class next
year, but he needs it for college so I'm insisting he sign up for it."
Some kids need a little nudge; others know their limits. You probably
have a pretty good idea where your child falls, so be honest with
yourself, then ask for the teacher's opinion-not her endorsement-about
signing up for advanced classes. "No teacher wants to see a student
forced into a place he doesn't want to be," says Tingley. (And no parent
should, either.) "What often happens is the kid who isn't yet ready for
the challenge ends up getting demoted to a regular class, which then
feels like a failure," says Tingley. Karen Patterson, a high school
language arts teacher in Upper Arlington, OH, has also seen students who
sign up for too many high-level courses "absolutely self-implode."
Sometimes, "a kid may love and want to take advanced history and
language arts, but Mom is making him take advanced math too," says
Patterson, who advocates a less-is-more approach, pointing to the
benefits of a lighter workload: more time for extracurricular
activities, which also look great on college applications.
Related: Find out what 6 things children need most.
"Why do you give so much homework?"
Your daughter has been up late every night working on a book report and
presentation, both due in the same week for the same teacher. So
naturally this is the first thing you want to blurt out at the next
parent-teacher conference. The reason you shouldn't is because you are
in effect saying, "You don't know how to do your job" and "Why don't you
care about my child's well-being?" says Tingley. Instead, phrase your
question this way: "Julie's been having trouble getting everything done.
Are other kids having trouble, too?" Referencing the rest of the class
depersonalizes things and can provide you, and the teacher, with some
helpful perspective. For instance, if everyone is struggling, the
teacher may realize that her expectations are too high. (If she doesn't,
feel free to take your concerns to the principal.) If instead it sounds
like your child is the exception, discuss getting her some after-school
help or moving her to a different class.
"Matt has had so many after-school activities lately, he couldn't finish the reading."
In the hierarchy of your child's life, you and his teachers are the
bosses-and you'd never tell your boss you couldn't do your job because
you were busy with trombone lessons, right? "Young children tend to have
a lot of activities, but when they get to middle school they can't be
booked from 3:00 to 9:00 every night and keep up with their work," says
Copithorne. As a general rule, plan on your first grader devoting about
ten minutes per night to homework; for each subsequent grade, add ten
more minutes, says Tingley. So a fourth-grader might have 40 minutes
worth of work, while a high school senior has two hours, which should
still leave enough time for a few of your child's favorite activities.
"Students who do sports and clubs are typically more engaged in school,"
says Tingley. "So it would be a mistake to take them out of
everything."
Related: Try these tricks for managing your time well.
"Dear Mrs. Jones: Why did you give Emma this grade?"
Email is a wonderful tool for communicating with your child's teacher.
But it shouldn't be used for firing off every question that pops into
your head, particularly when there's a better way to go about getting
the answer. "A full-time teacher might have 110 kids, and their parents
are all emailing, too," says Patterson, who sometimes receives messages
like the one above after posting grades. With many concerns, including
those about low grades, talk to your child first. If she can't provide
an explanation and is old enough, have her bring it up with the teacher
in person-the best way to communicate when a question requires a lengthy
response. "Especially at the high school level, kids should be taking
on some of this responsibility themselves," says Patterson. If your
child or you doesn't receive a satisfactory answer, by all means, send a
(non-accusatory) note: "Can we talk about what Emma can do to bring up
her science grade? I'm also available by phone if you prefer." In other
words, think before you (cyber) speak.
"My daughter and her friends don't speak to Beth because
she's not in their group anymore. That's not bullying; they have a right
to choose their friends."
No parents want to believe their child is being cruel to other kids, so
when a teacher brings up an issue like bullying, it's tempting to play
it down. And yet, "teachers don't make those calls lightly, so when we
do, we need parents' help in reinforcing lessons," says Bower. This can
be trickier with girls than boys, since female altercations tend to be
more insidious, says Tingley. But you can help "stop the stuff you see."
Ask the teacher what behavior she has witnessed in the classroom and
talk to your child about why whispering behind another student's back,
or passing notes about her, is wrong.
"I spoke to the principal about how you failed half the class on that
last test and she said I had to take the matter up with you first."
"If you really want to tick off a teacher, this is the way to do it,"
says Tingley. "There's nothing more annoying than when someone brings an
issue to your boss before you've had an opportunity to correct it." As a
parent, you might be inclined to do this if you don't feel like dealing
with a teacher you dislike or if you're upset about something, such as
an unjust grade. Still, unless something truly egregious has happened,
like a teacher threatened your child or grabbed him roughly, it's the
wrong move. "There are certainly problems that warrant the principal's
attention," says Tingley. "But in most cases you should follow the chain
of command."
